Give Yourself to Love

I have experienced so much magic in my life. I’ve also made a lot of magic.

When I started this free spirit life, which truly began in 2019 when I exited my marriage, people admired me so much. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “You’re so brave!” “I wish I could do what you’re doing.”

The truth is. You can. I got so many excuses from others. “I don’t have enough money.” “I’ve got kids or a dog.” “I’ve got to be by family.” There were lots of reasons for not doing what I was doing, for not “seizing the moment.”

Let me tell you what seizing the moment was. I let go of a lot. I realized there was so much I could live without. I let my ex take nearly all of our shared possessions with the exception of my clothes and cooking supplies.

Guess what? I don’t have cooking supplies of my own anymore, and many of my clothes are gifted to me and worn out from holes. My books bit the dust a few weeks ago. None of that is what’s important. Things often get in the way. But not just physical things, things in our minds.

Seizing the moment isn’t about moving to New York to chase your dreams or escaping to a tropical paradise. The moment is right here and now.

Let me tell you, living life the way I have for the past six years has been hard. I’ve had to problem solve in ways that most people would panic at. I’ve faced some of my deepest fears, like being “homeless” and refusing to sleep on the street, so I’ve found other ways to have a warm place to stay. I honestly thought at one point I would completely give up money. I heard about a woman who wouldn’t touch it, only bartered for everything she needed. It was poetically beautiful to me, but not for me. The point is… living an alternative lifestyle teaches you that there’s more possibility. Living this way has taught me many lessons about myself and life. Honestly, those lessons have been the hardest, seeing all they ways I’m not receiving what I value most. Humans are paradoxical at their very best, and that’s also the beauty of us.

The money thing… I have learned how little I can live on and how incredibly generous life can be. I have been cared for and had everything I needed along this journey. I had no idea that two months of cat-sitting in New York was meant to pay for my entire time in Bali. I wasn’t fully present with the gift, so I ran out and had to leave the island. There were other factors, but I’ll get to those later. In New York, people were kind, and I did have what I needed until I realized it was time to go home to Blackfoot. I was out of resources and out of energy. I needed a place to recouperate. A place to rest. I slept so much.

This was hard. I felt guilty the entire time I was there. I felt awful for failing, for needing a place to stay, for needing to REST, and, honestly, I felt guilty for living. It led to many tense moments of trying to assert my value, prove my worth, and this intense anger for being a piece of shit human. Honestly, it was probably the lowest I’ve felt about myself ever, far surpassing a single moment of the most intense desire to stop existing because, “what’s the point of this to just live and breathe and work and do for the sake of one body?” That was a particularly bad mushroom trip when I realized that I was “living the life” with a boyfriend, a dance community, singing opera, and I was more miserable and lonely than I’d ever been.

These last four months in the UK, I’ve also been taken care of, and it’s the least amount of money I’ve ever spent on a day-to-day basis. I’ve learned to live with less and appreciate more. I’ve learned to receive, and I’m starting to trust that it will all be there.

In Scotland, I would perform in Edinburgh and then my heart would leap when I returned to my seaside flat late at night. Two very different pleasures, one a high like a hit of cocaine (I can only imagine anyway) and one a sweet satisfaction like the perfect bowl of homemade soup on a cold day after playing in the snow. I love to perform. I do. But, what’s the point if I don’t have a community of loving people around me?

It’s time for community. It’s time to build a loving tribe of support.

Even though I describe myself as a spiritual atheist, I have faith. I’m a practicing spiritual atheist. Faith and trust and a little bit of pixie dust, as one whimsical boy prescribes.

I’ve given away and let go of so much, and there’s nothing to regret about that because I’ve found so much more than possessions. I’ve found myself. I’ve found my values, and I’m starting to find love.

“Give yourself to love if love is what you’re after.” -Kate Wolfe

And, as I orient myself to love and turn my heart toward making magic happen again, I’m so afraid. Like, the thought of being rooted is far more scary than continuing to live on the wing of the wind, but I believe one of these will lead me to love with something else I crave so intensely, security. I’m ready to have people to adventure with. Someone told me at the beginning of this journey that eventually you get tired of doing it alone and want someone with you. At the time, I was so high on my independence that I couldn’t comprehend. I thought perhaps I would feel that way one day but had no idea when or how that would be. It’s now. And it’s interesting how hard it can be to switch gears. I’ve grown accustomed to my life, but I also feel giddy at the thought of having a community to contribute to, people I see regularly, a support system and network that isn’t just digital but is very much physical. I suspect wanderlust will never be too far from me, but this little bird wants a nest to fly home to.

I’ve tried to nest in the past… I struggled with my faith that things could be very different for me, even as my horizons of possibility were expanded.

When I was in Bali, I could not receive the gift that was given to me. In my heart, I went there to heal and to enjoy island life, but I suffered and stayed attached to my healing process rather than allowing myself to emerge on the other side whole. I had friends that were unconditionally loving and I ran from it because my nervous system (faith) couldn’t comprehend it.

As I orient myself, I get shaky. I feel my nervous system ill at ease with the possibility of a fully loving life, fully trusting life. A simple life. Who thought this adventure-loving girl would want to go back home to Idaho? Not me, even.

There’s nothing wrong with the way you want to live this life. You only believe there’s something wrong with it. It’s absurd to me that (of all things for me to not believe) I struggle to believe I deserve love, connection, and community.

I’m sure it sounds absurd to you too, but it’s true.

I have been in disbelief that I can have those things AND have them feel good. I’ve believed I have to suffer to be loved, to feel guilty for being loved, to work hard and prove myself for love when love is simply there. It’s a state of being, and I’m learning that unconditional love is so much more expansive than what we often allow it to be.

I won’t get into the details of my epiphanies about love right now. Listen to Rebel for Love if you want to get a taste of them.

Sigh… big sigh. Take that breath with me. Breathe deep into your pelvic floor and then collapse, letting a vocal release come along with that sigh. Do you feel it? Do you feel the tension dissolving? It might make you feel emotional. For me, tears well up. I’m still grieving so much.

But I won’t let my past dictate my future anymore. It is not the eternal truth. My past does not define me or decide what I’ll have more of in this life. I’m ready for a change.

So… change. Here I come!

I’m putting down roots! And, you talk about not believing something is possible!!! Woah! I have not held the belief that I could live and belong somewhere. It requires too much vulnerability and commitment. Even when I have tried and tried… and let me tell you that the trying was the problem… I failed. “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

So… how big is this spiritually atheist’s faith?

I’ve given away everything. I have two suitcases and a ukulele. I have no money when money was always somehow there for me on this journey. I have no car. No job. No place to stay. No. No. No. NO I won’t hear no again. I have. I have everything.

It’s true. And I know it. This is how big my faith is.

I’ve given away everything to know myself. To know that I am love, simple and pure. You are too! I’ve discovered that I am able to share that message regardless of where I am. And, lovely, loving lady, you deserve the life you want, in your simple nest with connection, community, and creativity. You deserve that dream as well. Now, my faith is to trust that I will receive it all.

“If any of you lack faith, let them ask of god that giveth to all people liberally and upbraideth not.”

“See the face of god in everyone that looks back at you, including the mirror.” (That’s mine.)

I’m moving to Boise in less than two months. I’m looking for a job, a car, and a place to stay without having any money to get started. It’s manifestation 404, the advanced class. I’m not stuck, simply in need of more creativity, which I’ve already proven myself quite adept at. What I’m not adept at, or I guess the part of the 404 course I’m being asked to apply is asking for help. Seriously... even in a pinch, I will do everything else first. I admire my friends who are really good at asking for help.

I was jobless many years ago and used a wonderful job services resource. We were told that networking was more about jogging people’s creativity on your behalf rather than ask directly for things. The key phrase was, “Do you know someone who could…”

So…

Do you know someone who could help with a free car and housing in Boise? This wildflower is ready to grow in her mountain home and spread her love with other flowers.

I’ll handle the job part. I already feel really good about that. ;) Wish me luck on my interview, and please look forward to seeing my events crop up in Boise and online.

Speaking of… Women, mark your calendars because I have something special for all of us next month.

Join the WA group to attend.