I'm Tired

I have a backlog of written blogs, but something hasn’t felt right about sharing them. To be honest, I’ve felt lackluster about my writing lately. It’s felt overwhelming and unmaintainable. I feel depleted and without inspiration. And! I’m tired of sharing so much about my process because I’m tired of the process. I’ve made commitments this year to live again. I’m tired of being afraid.

And you’re like, Kendra, you lived in Bali. You pursued your dreams as an opera singer in NYC. You created coaching programs about embodiment and workshops for connection and the voice. You’ve been writing music. And you LIVED in Bali, in paradise!!! What’s not living?

Being stuck in my limiting beliefs! That’s what’s stuck. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the Baroque Soprano… broken. I’m tired of wondering when will I be and feel whole. I’m tired of wondering when I will let it all work and stop being afraid of people.

Yeah. I’m afraid of people. It’s intense. Every time I put myself out there, I freak out and get scared. Do you ever feel like this? Like, you let yourself be seen or let your light shine just a little bit and it makes you so incredibly vulnerable, so you hide again. Safe, under covers, by yourself. Yesterday I was hanging with my friend and taking care of Mr. Squirrel when I had this, "I need to leave" feeling come over me. It was completely irrational. My friend and I were having the best time, relaxing and feeding the babe. Later, it hit me. "Oh my fucking god!" My ex used to kick me out! He didn't want me around. I was a burden to him. He was so overwhelmed by me.

I cried and told my friend what I'd just realized. We hugged. This limiting belief that hit me so hard from loving a man who was so closed off has been preventing me from feeling comfortable being with people. What he felt and projected onto me is not true, nor is it my truth. It's kept me alone.

And I’m tired of being alone. It’s not that I’m actually alone. I have people around me, but I’m lonely still. The connection coach is lonely.

And I beat myself up. I hold myself to insanely high standards of being a superhuman. I truly believe that if I’m not utterly perfect and pleasing, no one will want me around. I feel like a failure for retreating.

I’ve let down my walls long enough to let a little magic happen. All these beautiful stories I’ve told come from those brave moments. Then I hide. The connection fades. The experience is over. The trip ends. Alone.

And! I don’t believe it has to be this way, which is why I’m tired. I’m in this efforting limbo where I’m striving so much to put myself out there, maybe stretching myself too thin hoping that one connection will stick. Perhaps I do this out of desperation. Constantly looking for the truth of what Fred Rogers says, “You don’t have to do anything sensational to be loved.”

Looking… hmmm… there’s something so human about that and yet the answer isn’t to be found looking outside. There are deep truths yet to be discovered.

What I do feel true right now… in the midst of tired loneliness… is that I am truly NOT alone. I am not a failure. I am so brave for continuing to try, even when I’m tired. I am deserving no matter what I do. I am deserving no matter what I do. I am deserving NO MATTER WHAT. I say that as a mantra because I know, and I’m trying to feel the truth of that statement. I still want this to sink in so deep that I LIVE and I LOVE.

I saw a quote yesterday, “To love is to love entirely.” This sank deep. ENTIRELY! What does that mean to you? To me, that means every little bit, the bits that are brilliant and the bits that are broken. Love every little bit of yourself. Then you can love every little bit of another, of this world.

Right now, I’m continuing to believe in myself, and I’m taking care of a teeny, tiny baby squirrel that fell 60 feet from a tree, held on through a hot day, and finally ate the next day when we had more than sugar water to give him. He’s a trooper and all he’s doing is being a baby squirrel. Simply being what we are is all there is to do. Be.

Today I’m a writer, tomorrow I’m a singer, the next day a composer, a coach, a squirrel caregiver, an auntie, a teacher, an artist, and through it all I’m ME.

Be yourself every day. EVERY DAY DO YOU! Messy, magnificent, perfect, perfectly falling apart, angry, deliriously dancing, and more. Be brilliantly expressed and true to yourself with the least thought to who that is because whoever you’re being is who you are.

Come at me, life. I’m living. Let’s live life.